NEW YORK - A public school teacher was arrested today at John F.KennedyInternational Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto
Gonzalez said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra
movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a problem for us,"
Gonzalez said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and
sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use
secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator
of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every
triangle.'
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have
given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they
could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the
President during his entire administration.
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